Best Jokes

Here’s a way to spice up your office. Pick two or three colleagues and agree to play the Office Game which awards points as follows:

ONE POINT

Run one lap around the office at top speed. Walk sideways to the photocopier.

Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.

When they’re not looking, pour most of someone’s fresh cup of coffee into your mug leaving them with an inch of brew.

Ignore the first five people who say ‘good morning’ to you.

Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say “Just called to say I can’t talk right now. Bye.”

To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.

While riding an elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.

THREE-POINTS

Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask “Did you get all that, I don’t want to have to repeat it.” - Double points if you do this to a manager.

Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle.

Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

FIVE POINTS

At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).

Walk into a very busy person’s office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.

For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as ‘Bob’.

Announce to everyone in a meeting that you “really have to go do number two”.

After every sentence, say ‘mon’ in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in, “the report’s on your desk, mon”. Keep this up for one hour.

While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.

In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, “Shut up, all of you just shut up!”

In a colleague’s diary, write in 10 am: “See how I look in tights”.

Carry your laptop over to your colleague and ask “You wanna trade?”

Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, it’s gone now”

Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, “I can’t talk about it”

Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc.) during a very important conference call.

Tuck one pant leg into your sock and when queried, answer, “not now” and walk away.

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude
and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, “Excuse
me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour
ago, but I don’t know where I am.”

The man below replied, “You are in a hot air balloon hovering
approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 42
degrees north latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude.”

“You must be an engineer,” said the balloonist.

“I am,” replied the man, “but how did you know?”

“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically
correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the
fact is I am still lost.”

The man below responded, “You must be a manager.”

“I am,” replied the balloonist, “how did you know?”

“Well,” said the man, “you don’t know where you are or where you are
going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you
expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are exactly in the same
position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my fault.”

An Irishman proposed to his girl friend on Saint Patrick’s Day and gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. On learning it wasn’t real she protested vehemently about his cheapness. He explained that in honor of Saint Patrick’s Day, he picked her a sham rock.

??Two guys were riding down the street in a car. They come to a red light. The driver runs the red light. The passenger cries out “Hey, why did you do that?” The driver says, “Don’t worry about it, my brother does it all the time.”

??They came to another red light, and the same thing happens. The passenger is visibly upset and threatens to get out of the car the next chance he gets. At the next light, which is green, the driver slams on his brakes and comes to a screeching halt.

??The passenger is confused and asks, “What the heck is wrong with you? You ran two red lights but you stop at the green one.”

??The driver responds: “My brother might be coming from the other way!”